The mom I never wanted to be

It had been seven and a half long months filled with misery. The first three months I vomited three or more times a day and had always felt like I was going to vomit at any moment. I thought it was all better when I felt good and could eat for a mere month. That is when the swelling and high blood pressure kicked in and the weight came on and just kept coming. So I laid in the hospital bed unable to walk yet because of the meds the doctors had given me, holding what I should have thought was the most precious gift, thinking you didn’t even have the decency to weigh 5lbs or look a thing like me. I felt like I was holding a stranger, I didn’t like her and I resented the fact that I was miserable for so long and she didn’t look a thing like me.
My 4lb 11oz baby girl Abby looked at me from a face that looked everything like her dad. I didn’t even want to get pregnant. I had planned on going back on birth control the month my period didn’t show up. We were young and still newly married and I had thought about leaving. She was a chain that was making me stay. I came home to clothes that didn’t fit, a body I wasn’t use to and a baby I didn’t want to an empty house as my husband had 24 hour duty that same night. I cried myself to sleep and was thankful that thing that wouldn’t latch on would sleep for hours at a time. I could normally pump before she was awake and feed her and put her down. She was happy to just be alone, to this day she is happy in her room alone.
I had thought that as soon as this child came into my life it would all change, apparently so did her dad. I was still not a great housekeeper and I was aware of how embarrassed of me her dad was by how fat I had gotten. They told me it would come off with breastfeeding but it didn’t. I was in Hawaii and I was miserable. I thought for certain I would never love this child I hadn’t even wanted.
As the years have passed and I have grown up, I love her fondly. I don’t even mind that she only has my eye color. She has her dad’s body type, metabolism and features. She is in no doubt by the looks of her his. When we divorced, I remember saying to a friend, he can have it all as long as I have her. I am a fierce protector. Although I am not a fan of her father, I always talk good about him to her. She will never hear the reason for the split from me. Although the divorce was painful for all involved, I won’t talk bad of him. I still like him and miss him as a friend.
As she has grown I have come to a place where I want to savor every small moment. I want her all to myself, which I get for the most part as her dad is still in the service and not generally around. I found that after the divorce having a day without her is heart breaking. I find once I fear the day he is closer and I have to share her again. My house is quiet and feels incomplete without her in it. Just like my life would be incomplete without her.
Abby has been an easy child for the most part. She has a heart for the underdog, I am sure she got that from me. She is smart and fun. She is a loving big sister despite the large gap. She makes for interesting conversation. The fact has come to be that I love everything about her! I love the ways she reminds me of her dad. I love the way she reminds me of me. I love the way she is all of her own person. When I was younger I said I was never going to be a mom. I never wanted to chance being a bad one. What I have learned is that all moms don’t have that love from day one. Some moms have a building love. My love builds greater each day. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She is my wonderful, smart, kind and loving daughter. I am happy to have her even if I wasn’t the day she came into my world.