Little affirmations

Ever wonder if you are being a good mom?  I know I am constantly worried that I am screwing my kids up!  I am not perfect.  I am a ways from being perfect but I love my kids.  My 11 year, hates me….or says she does often enough.  The provocation for this hatred is forcing her to do the dishes and making her prove she is responsible enough for a phone.

The two year old, well she throws a fit like a pro! Always has since day one! She pushes my patience and has taken to pushing Abby’s as well. She is not going to be a boring person like me.  No she has her dads flare for the dramatic and humor.

My children at the age of two and 11 are at some of the most challenging times of their life.  One who is trying to be a big girl. The other is trying to figure out who she is in the midst of all the hormones.  It is sometimes hard to tell if you are doing a good job.  So last night as the two of them are playing together the little one picks up a couple teddy bears. One is the mommy and the other is the baby.  The mommy bear is hugging the baby bear.  Guin looks at me as says, “mommies have to hug their babies.”

Here is what I learned in that moment. She knows that I  love her. She feels loved.  Yup I am a good mom.  She has learned that good moms give their children hugs.  They show them love.  Her big sister reinforced the rule by agreeing….Yep they both feel loved.  They clearly get enough hugs! Since I have been at home, I have struggled from time to time to find the value.  I had gotten so use to my value being decided by the amount of my paycheck.  Yesterday, my value was clearly numbered by the amount of hugs I have given.  I love how God is working in this family. How he took me from what was comfortable to me, in the opposite direction.  God is showing me that my value doesn’t have to be monetary but can be measured by other measuring sticks.

One final note, this one is about measuring. Never measure yourself by a measuring stick meant for another. God gave you your own measuring stick.  Try to use that one.  If you use another one, you will find yourself always lacking!

Frame of mind

The other day I had written a post about perspective and homeschooling, something went wonky with my router and the post didn’t save and I hadn’t copied it to a word doc so it got lost.  Which kind of works for me.  As I have been thinking more about the post and have really just had lots of little pieces to the perspective puzzle coming my way.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

It seems as though I was casting stones in a glass house with the vanishing post.  Sometimes God just loves you enough to keep a little bit of mud out of your face. I had talked about Abby’s perspective of school and homeschooling. He immense desire to spend hours playing video games.  I had talked about having to correct her way of thinking.  HA…while her way of thinking may indeed need some adjusting, I am finding mine needs a serious realignment as well.

What I was realizing was that Abby was a product of the what I had allowed in the past.  Although some of our issues have to do with being unmedicated with ADHD. I was realizing that I needed to get more in line with the word of God and what I am modeling. I needed to change how I saw her as well. I expect her not to complete a task the first one hundred times she is asked. I expect her to misbehave. I have allowed these thoughts to rule my thoughts about her.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love her.  She is smart, funny, curious and goodhearted. I, however, have let my negative thoughts roll on to my children as well as myself. I focus so much with what is wrong with me that I started to look at what was wrong with them. I am sure we all have those days.  Mine just seemed to be coming more and more often.

Proverbs 22:6

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

What have I been doing to train my children?  I haven’t been the best example.  I haven’t been intentional enough in my behaviors. I haven’t looked at myself enough in how I am interacting with them to make the difference I want in their lives. Am I showing them the woman I want them to be?  Am I the one that is setting the example and the standard for them to follow.  I am afraid I have not. I haven’t shown them the way of our Lord.

Abby hasn’t had the privilege to have a mom who has followed Christ her whole life.  So she has been trained a lot in the ways of the world. She has had to deal with me working out what faith means and how to put it into action.  She has seen a change in me, but she thinks of me as more strict and well lame. I don’t let her do things that I would have been okay with just a couple of years ago. I did not guard her near enough when she was younger. She has had to deal with all the growing pains that come with learning and understanding the word of God and it’s application to your life. Unfortunately, sometimes I have focused on the religion part more than the love part.

1 Timothy 4:12

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

I ran across this verse tonight when I was thinking about what to write and setting an example that I wanted for my children and people in general.  I got two things from it. One that when you are a youth you will do many a stupid thing.  Praise God for forgiveness.  This means that since Abby is a youth we should probably focus on the right behaviors and how to get more of them and two we need to be a little more grace filled.  I can’t go despising her for her youth. Which for the record, I understand that Timothy was young when he was a leader in the church and that the youth they were talking about was his.  That he shouldn’t let the fact that he was a younger man be something that people held against him. I, however, think that God talks to us in ways with his word that gives us a truth even if it wasn’t the original meaning of the verse.

The second thing that I got out of the verse is that I need to step up and be a better example in my speech to my husband, my children, my family, my neighbors and well everyone I have spoken too while I am not at my best. I need to conduct myself more in love, faith, and purity. I need to guard what I allow in this house more.  I need act more in love with my children. I need to show my children more self-control. I need to be stop acting in the ways of this world and put more focus on God the father.  I need to trust in him more to change me. I need to have faith in him to make me a better person. I need to trust that he will make me the spouse that my husband needs, the mother than my children need, the daughter that my parents need and the child that God needs me to be.

 

Saying Please Must be Harmful to Your Health

Being two must be hard. There are naps that are thrust upon you when you are screaming from being tired. People are trying to take away the sacred art of pooing in your diaper. Now that you can talk people even start trying to teach you manners. I am certain by watching my Guin that saying please might indeed be lethal. Most days being the mother of a two year old is fun. Mine is especially funny. She laughs often and is we just plain silly.

Any mother of a toddler may tell you that you have to choose your battles. One of the battles I have chosen is basic manners. Saying please and thank you are important. For Guin saying thank you is fine, bless you is easy, as is excuse me. However, the word please must bring a bitter taste to her mouth.

Most parent know that you never know when you will have to go to battle with a toddler, they are erratic and chaotic little people. It could be the cup of milk they want, the mismatched shoes they are trying to wear or putting up their hair. It always comes on suddenly and is completely unexpected. Yesterday we went to battle over please.

I think I may have mentioned that Guin tries to rule the roost here. Right now often comes after she has barked an order at someone. The order for more milk was barked at me last night followed promptly with the words right now. So as she has her cup in hand she walks up to me and says, “I want some more milk, RIGHT NOW!” So I informed her that she needed to ask nicely.  I even gave her a choice of I want some more milk, please or Can I have some more milk, Please. Apparently neither was a good option.  She nicely barked at me, “I want some more milk!” I said, “you want some more milk please?  Can you ask nicely?”

This is the part I was unaware of. By her response, I was certain that saying please may indeed be deadly. She would certainly come to some form of serious harm if the words please came out of her mouth. She flung herself to the ground and screamed….”I WANT MY MILK RIGHT NOW!!!”  After the screaming came a full on fit with arms flinging and legs kicking the floor. She was at it for a good ten minutes. I made sure nothing was in the way that would cause harm and let her have at it. When she was done, she came to the kitchen, cup in hand. “I want some milk….pleeaase!” The please came out as if the word tasted sour.

To my sweet daughter please is the worst word in the world. It clearly has a horrible taste to it. I was just happy to have won the battle for the day.  What I love the most about battles with my two year old is that she forgives and forgets so easily. I was getting hugs and kisses in no time.  We played and read books and had a pretty good rest of the day.  To top it all off, it appears that saying please will not actually kill her.

Silly Kids

How can you be mad at a face like this? She is silly even in her defiance. I knew from day one when she demanded to be held that she would go through this life thinking she was in charge. At two and a half, she already orders her sister around. Just recently we have put up the twin size big girl bed. Napping has become a new challenge. She didn’t like napping before but now……

Apparently now taking a nap means that you run back and forth on your bed until you drop in exhaustion! Just last year I was ending my employment and review financial statements and writing notes for Comprehensive Annual Financial Reports for a City. Now my days are filled with laughter and pure silliness. I now know the theme song for Dora and Super Why! I have even picked up a few words in Spanish. I have learned to sew a little and have learned to Crochet some as well. I still do bookkeeping, taxes and financial reports with a small amount of my time.

There are times I miss going to the office. There are times that I miss adult conversation. What I have got in return is a million I love you’s, and almost as many fits.There is more to life than the money I made. I have never laughed so much in my life.  Lets be honest….who can be mad for too long when you see…

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That is the Silly face that makes me not miss a thing and has me forgiving what ever trouble she has found for the day!

 

What’s that you say? Don’t blame others?

Isaiah 58:9-10

Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

If you are the parent of a tweener, you have heard all of the blame you can stomach for a life time. Mom I used the word because the kids tease me at school is I don’t use curse words. I didn’t take my lunch because you didn’t wake me up on time. I hear it all and the one thing I have come to know that it is never Abby’s fault! My tween isn’t the only one that I hear the blame game from. She provoked me, is one I have used. My husband has blamed his share of things on me or his boss or you know someone. The only one who doesn’t blame yet is the two-year old. She has the truth on her side I guess.  She wields it often. It seems like the blame game is learned!

It isn’t just my family though. Society has gone to a whole new level of the blame game. I killed because my parents abused me. I am rude because my parents never taught me better. All of which can be true but the other part of that sentence is missing.  People may have never been taught to be anything but rude and they haven’t cared to find out how. Your parents may have abused you but you chose to kill. Sure there are many contributing factors and we can justify anything.

We live in a world where people are suing fast food companies for providing them food. We choose not to use self-control and we are fat because McDonald’s fed us the food. When I was getting a divorce I certainly wanted to point the finger at him.  If I am honest there were many things that led up to the marriage failure. When I talk to other people who have divorced I see a lot of finger pointing. Trust me there is plenty of blame to go around. You won’t grow as a person if you are busy pointing finger instead of looking at how you can improve! The Bible says as long as we are blaming others, out light won’t shine for the world to see.

Oh what a crazy thought, as long as we put ourselves as the victim and center on ourselves then we won’t be able to share God’s light fully!  I am not saying that God can’t use us. He can use the most broken but we won’t shine his love when we are the victim! So where do we begin?  When you start to blame others, we can start with finishing our sentences. Yes they provoked me and I chose to lash out in anger. Yes you didn’t wake me on time but I have chosen not to use an alarm.  When we only use half the truth we often find ourselves pointing the finger.

 

 

Likely you won’t be an NFL Superstar

As a mom, I had decided early on that I wasn’t going to propagate the lie that you can do anything you set your mind to. While there are many things that you can do with determination and gumption but anything?  Not likely. The fact is that I will never be a famous singer that is a timeless classic. The fact is that God just didn’t give me the gifts I would need to do that. Can God overcome that? Sure but he made me like I am and well he clearly liked me just as he made me or he would have made me different.  So parents come with me. Let’s stop lying to our children. I would also like teachers, Sunday school workers, youth group leaders and Pastors to stop the lie with me.

My daughters are amazing. God made them so different from one another. I am pretty sure that they aren’t destined to be NFL superstars. How many woman NFL superstars do you see today? I am sure that at some point that may change but women in the NFL will more than likely be a kicker in the beginning. That being said, they were given gifts that God gave them. I tell my oldest often, that you need to find your gifts and operate in them. She is smart and can run pretty well. She also has quite a bit of artistic talent. So she has things going for her. The little one is clearly going to be the boss, she may one day rule the world. I would have never say that about the oldest.  It just isn’t in her wheelhouse.

Now that we have hit the preteen years, I also have to deal with the envy of other peoples talents. I always tell her to celebrate when her friends are good at things. We don’t need to resent others for their gifts. God made them that way. I view it as my job to find her gifts and guide her in the best ways to use them. While I want her to try hard and learn that somethings will take hard work and dedication, I also want her to know that she has limits. That it is okay not to be good at everything she does.

While you may have a child that will be an NFL superstar or the next pop sensation, be happy to have a child that is operating in the gifts God has given them. We won’t all be famous but we will all make a difference in other people’s lives. So let your children know, there is no shame in being a next generation accountant, cook, nurse, mom, dad, auto mechanic, artist, singer, writer, bookkeeper, insurance broker or well anything that celebrates who they were made to be. Help your children be comfortable in the mold God gave them not the mold you have set in your mind for them!

Permission to comfort

Yesterday and today, I have been faced with a clingy and sick two year old.  She has whatever virus that is going around and has a temperature and has thrown up some.  After traveling all weekend, I have piles of laundry and things to get put away.  I, however, have been cuddling and comforting my sweet two-year-old. she is whiny and just needs her mom. She wants to be held all of the time. 

I am giving myself permission to let the rest wait. I am giving myself permission to let my life become about her and her misery.  I am giving myself permission to comfort her. I am going to take this time and realize that pretty soon she won’t need me the way she does today. I am going to enjoy cuddling and even watching some Dora and Super Why!

I find that sometimes all the other pressures of the world won’t let us slow down when we need to.  I find that sometimes I am asking for silence when I should be stopping to listen.  I am so concerned about being perfect and doing it all right that I get it all wrong.  So next time your little one is sick, just stop and comfort them.  Enjoy the time and don’t worry about that laundry for today anyway.

Lack of cleanliness.

Confession, I am a horrible housekeeper! I pile things put things in drawers and leave things out. I forget to put the wash into the dryer and have to wash the load more than once. Often I am happy to live so far out of town because I don’t have drop in guests. I have plenty of time to clean before the guests arrive. While I would call CPS because my house is so dirty it isn’t healthy it would be embarrassing if I did have drop in guests. I am one of those people who takes a picture then won’t post it on facebook out of fear of the criticism. Yep that is me. I am the lady who leaves the dishes in the sink overnight. The mom that has a pile of laundry on the couch or a chair. I am not proud of my housekeeping skills and honestly, when I just slept here, it didn’t bother me. I could say I work all the time; I don’t want to spend the rest of the time cleaning the house. Now that I am home I find the mess plain stressful.
What I am finding is that we have too much stuff and it has overrun the house. My husband works in the tech field. We have multiple computers in different states of disrepair waiting for his time. We have a good deal of clothing never worn. My oldest prefers to keep everything so she can give it to her sister. It wouldn’t be an issue but they are nine years apart. My two-year old has no use for a size 10 shirt at this time. Also, I can’t see her reading Anne of Green Gables in the next few years. I have files for clients, too many shoes and a good deal of clothes that don’t fit. Plus we have two of almost everything, as we got married later in life and both brought a life time full of stuff. The biggest problem I have is that I don’t know where to start. I know they say you eat an elephant on bite at a time but where do you place the first bite. How do I go from being a messy to a clean freak?
I have heard that cleanliness is next to Godliness. If that is true, I have a lot of work! I know that sometimes, God puts us in a place to come to terms with ourselves. Let us be honest there is an entire book of the Bible that speaks a lot of cleanliness. It was imperative for the Jewish people. There were animals that were clean and unclean. There were set ways to wash before preparing meals. There were rules for women on their menstrual cycle and rules for dealing with the dead. If you read the book of Leviticus, there is a lot of mention of the word clean. My point is that the Bible seems to take the stance that being clean is a good thing. Even if we aren’t required to follow those laws now, I can’t imagine that it is unimportant now.
So I am going to start working on getting this house in order. I have come up with some basic daily, weekly and monthly tasks. I am going to sweep and pick up the floors , counters and tables in the living and dining room every day. Then I am then I am going to have a daily organizational task like, that chair with all the clothes or the drawer that has all the junk, or that bookshelf with all the piles! Hopefully soon I will have a house that I won’t be embarrassed if I have drop in company!

The mom I never wanted to be

It had been seven and a half long months filled with misery. The first three months I vomited three or more times a day and had always felt like I was going to vomit at any moment. I thought it was all better when I felt good and could eat for a mere month. That is when the swelling and high blood pressure kicked in and the weight came on and just kept coming. So I laid in the hospital bed unable to walk yet because of the meds the doctors had given me, holding what I should have thought was the most precious gift, thinking you didn’t even have the decency to weigh 5lbs or look a thing like me. I felt like I was holding a stranger, I didn’t like her and I resented the fact that I was miserable for so long and she didn’t look a thing like me.
My 4lb 11oz baby girl Abby looked at me from a face that looked everything like her dad. I didn’t even want to get pregnant. I had planned on going back on birth control the month my period didn’t show up. We were young and still newly married and I had thought about leaving. She was a chain that was making me stay. I came home to clothes that didn’t fit, a body I wasn’t use to and a baby I didn’t want to an empty house as my husband had 24 hour duty that same night. I cried myself to sleep and was thankful that thing that wouldn’t latch on would sleep for hours at a time. I could normally pump before she was awake and feed her and put her down. She was happy to just be alone, to this day she is happy in her room alone.
I had thought that as soon as this child came into my life it would all change, apparently so did her dad. I was still not a great housekeeper and I was aware of how embarrassed of me her dad was by how fat I had gotten. They told me it would come off with breastfeeding but it didn’t. I was in Hawaii and I was miserable. I thought for certain I would never love this child I hadn’t even wanted.
As the years have passed and I have grown up, I love her fondly. I don’t even mind that she only has my eye color. She has her dad’s body type, metabolism and features. She is in no doubt by the looks of her his. When we divorced, I remember saying to a friend, he can have it all as long as I have her. I am a fierce protector. Although I am not a fan of her father, I always talk good about him to her. She will never hear the reason for the split from me. Although the divorce was painful for all involved, I won’t talk bad of him. I still like him and miss him as a friend.
As she has grown I have come to a place where I want to savor every small moment. I want her all to myself, which I get for the most part as her dad is still in the service and not generally around. I found that after the divorce having a day without her is heart breaking. I find once I fear the day he is closer and I have to share her again. My house is quiet and feels incomplete without her in it. Just like my life would be incomplete without her.
Abby has been an easy child for the most part. She has a heart for the underdog, I am sure she got that from me. She is smart and fun. She is a loving big sister despite the large gap. She makes for interesting conversation. The fact has come to be that I love everything about her! I love the ways she reminds me of her dad. I love the way she reminds me of me. I love the way she is all of her own person. When I was younger I said I was never going to be a mom. I never wanted to chance being a bad one. What I have learned is that all moms don’t have that love from day one. Some moms have a building love. My love builds greater each day. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She is my wonderful, smart, kind and loving daughter. I am happy to have her even if I wasn’t the day she came into my world.

A time of reflection

Have you ever found yourself at a time in your life that you look in the mirror and say,”Who am I?” I have found that my titles keep defining who I am more than what is me. I am a a Christian, a wife, a mom, a worker, a volunteer, an accountant, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt and so many other things. I have found it hard to say no in many of my roles. I have lost passion in my life. I have been consumed by life to the point I have lost my way.

What I want to know, is when will being Angela be enough for any of my roles. I am not domestic enough for being a wife. I am not concerned or worried enough as a mother. I can’t give enough for my brother, mother, father, nieces and nephews. I sin to much for my role as a Christian. I find myself lacking in all I do. I can’t be good enough, fast enough, organized enough, generous enough or thoughtful enough. Then there are times when I am too much! I am too bossy, talkative, straightforward, naive, energetic, demanding and on and on. I live in a delicate limbo of being too much and not enough. When will I be just right? There are times when I think that I am comfortable in my own skin. The very next day, my skin crawls in discomfort.

So let me introduce myself. I am Angela Devins, wife of Dan, mother of Abbygayle (11) and Guinivere (2). I have a degree from Saint Martins College (now University) and I am trying to find the real Angela. I am trying to find out who God has made me to be. I am trying to strip away the years of training that has told me that I am not acceptable as God made me. I am trying to find out what my father has made me for. I am trying to find a love for myself, that mirrors the fathers love for me.